black and white and read all over....
a nun tumbling down the stairs,
a chessboard wrapped around a body,
a fool most of all.....
a perpetual beginner
amazed and puzzled
curious and captured
tormented and calm
trusting carnal knowledge
hopeful about craft
learning to yield
Hopes for the blog: offer up the wild intersectedness of lived experience and engage others in creative, expressive, perhaps irreverant, hopefully playful, and respectful encounters.... enact kindness create moments of pause for disclosure, discovery, stillness
slow, quick, quick
three over four
long, short, short
lean, twist, turn
sustain the Basic
Push serves glide
Young, oblivious, bold-
flashes of common sense
popping up like clowns or daffodils
once in a blue moon
(the one that left me standing alone.....)
remembering how much
was the most important goal
with sex and drugs and rock and roll
not only fun, of course, or just kicks
some of it felt like love
and might have been
some of it felt like flying
to the planet of the big ideas no one has ever had before
top of the pole
bottom of the hole
finish off whatever is in the bottom of the bowl
sex and drugs and rock and roll
looking back, now
age changes how things matter
what intimacy means
what words and music mean
or more easily dispatched
perspective borne of struggle and joy
deceit and bullshit take their toll
sex and drugs and rock and roll
still, sweeter than the softest dawn
the long caress of twilight
moments of fierce, delightful tenderness
feed the soul
sex and drugs and rock and roll
This morning I screamed and kicked the photocopier.
clearly, I am processing rage, resentment, both....
fortunately, there was only one witness
and she was only slightly appalled
then, I went back to my office, did a fuck dance, and indulged in a little sniffle.
NOT a cry. A sniffle.
Today, I can tell you that this episode happened over two months ago.
I have sat on it since then. The rage, that is....not the photocopier.
Today I can tell you that today is all I've got.
I have been living deeply in these many 24 hours since I screamed
and kicked the photocopier.
Today I have once again committed to being in today.
I need the clarity of boundary and the fuzziness of hope.
I need to do my work
and step back.
But mostly, step back.
I am leaning into these words from me
and the words that beckon from you.
Neighbour finds partner and me troublesome. Our houses' side by side conjoined existence causes no end of angst and irritation. Year round she places her snowman figurine's caption " GO AWAY" (presumably meant for the snow? ) in the front facing position so that we see it with every step we take to our front door. Actually, I am pretty sure it is partner who she hates more... I am simply collateral damage.
Our relationship was not always this strained. When we moved in 15 years ago, she was simply unfriendly and rude. Now, however, thanks to several transformative moments, she has undergone a renewed commitment to bullying and retribution strategies.
Early disputes involved parking and garbage boundaries... one inch over the property dividing line in her direction calls forth screaming and verbal abuse. I have to say, that, as a Newfoundlander, her verbal abuse does not really come up to the standard I am used to, but she is a mainlander, so I cut her some slack. Then we moved on to a need to repair our back yard fence and attempt to connect it to a post that already exists on her property. We asked if we could connect. She refused. Sigh. I commissioned a survey of the property line so that we would know where we could put up our own post. Expensive, of course, this survey stuff. But the fellas did a splendid job and delivered their report to both of us, how courteous of them. Turns out the post is on OUR property. Tsk Tsk. I was all for simply connecting and moving on. Partner decided that it was important to remove the ornament on the top of the post that was now "ours" since he never liked that ornament anyway. Good mature decision making all around, here. Neighbour began directing her two German Shepherds to poop next to our back yard fence. More mature decision making. Then, we needed to have a large and dying tree in our back yard cut down, so we had to ask neighbour to remove her clothes line from the tree.
Then things got a little more .... symbolic.
Once the tree disappeared, neighbour's partner found a ten foot high flag pole and inserted it in their back yard near the fence so that their drying clothes would blow over the fence... more mature decision making.
so, years pass and so do the opportunities for increasingly unpleasant interactions. Neighbour buys a snow blower and clears in front of everyone's house except ours. Silly, really, since the internal road way that runs in front of the dozen or so connected row houses in our town house set- up has to be used by all of us to get out onto the main road... it looks like a strange sort of crew cut, but on a road.
We then began experiencing some nasty vandalism... piles of dead cigarette butts on our steps, scratches on our car, stones removed and rearranged on the landscaped slope in front of our house. Partner decides we need a security light with a motion sensor. Other neighbours are delighted... everyone can see better and there are fewer late night visits from creative individuals looking for ways to express themselves. Next door neighbour is most unhappy... the lights are too bright. We move the lights so they angle away from neighbour's stairs' ascent angle.
Not enough effort on our part, however. Neighbour's partner then inserts a flagpole into the front of their house at a 45 degree angle, just above and very near our mail box (this feat of carpentry performed shirtless in the cool breeziness of early April in Ontario), and then procures the largest Canadian flag I have ever seen. It drapes beautifully. And when the wind blows and the flag unfurls, usually in front of of our front door, the security light flares in all its glory. Such an impressive display of reciprocal patriotism. Ahem.
Today, another team of fellas arrived and installed an awning over our front door. Partner hopes that this will keep the flag out of our faces and keep the light from being tripped for no security reason.
I (somewhat anxiously) await the next vertical insertion .... I am sure it will be as tasteful and subtle as its predecessors.
Early June and times are strange
Days are longer, nights are hot
Orders camouflaged as change
Lies grow stronger, fester, rot
More than ever, digging deep
Cynicism as a tool
Authenticity can seep
Upwards from the darkest pool
Borne of unrelenting creep
Even on the fumes of fuel
Vigilance is no one's fool
Maybe--that's a helpful rule
Riding on a steadfast mule
Sleep is a good thing
No bullshit tolerance, whatsoever
An even greater appreciation for the absurd
Either remembering that I forgot something OR forgetting that I remembered something
Realizing that over-commitment will very soon, of necessity, become a thing of the past
".... that weird lack of sensation feeling in your fingers and toes? yeah, that might be your new normal..."
" .... those strange short term memory lapses, when you know that you know how to do something, but you still don't know how to do it NOW? yeah, that might be your new normal...."
Caution going upstairs
Caution going downstairs
Writing everything down.... everything!
The phrase " my oncology team"
Regular 3 month check-ins with .... my oncology team
The phrase " my oncologist says...."
Wondering if I am strong enough to lift that
Wanting (desperately!!) to do things that give me joy (like blogging) and feeling duty bound to do the obligations to which I have (stupidly) (over)-committed and which I am beginning to hate more and more
Knowing that I am finished with doing things that I hate. FINISHED. WITH. IT.
Pissed off that it took cancer/radiation/chemotherapy and their aftermath/s to give me an "aha" moment about stopping spending time on things that I hate.
Living with/in the aftermath/s
..... and surfacing.